A – Z Blogging Challenge, Raising Boys: The Penis Chronicles presents the Letter T for Things I’ve said

I reached out to some other parents (raising boys, girls, or both) to help me create this list and I can only preface this post by saying this is a list of things that can be described as sentences we never thought we would say.

Two of the most recent things I found myself saying (then found myself wondering about) involved body parts and the second involved fighting. The body part one went like this, “That is not what we do with our man parts. That is not why you have them!” As soon as I said it I thought to myself please don’t starting asking questions about why you have them! The second, probably not my finest parenting moment, occurred at the end of a long day of sibling bickering. I approached the bedroom door where they were nagging at each other again, more of a yelling match that was close to the point of wrestling. I opened the door to an onslaught of “Mom he…” “yeah but Mom he…” I looked at them and said, “fight to the death. I’ll see the survivor when he comes out!” I closed the door on 2 very surprised faces, and I waited. Much to my surprise they started playing without arguing!

Anyway, here are a few of mine and a few from some other parents:

1. It’s not a firehose.
2. It’s not a slinky.
3. Your penis stays in your pants at the dinner table.
4. We don’t pee on our toys.
5. If your bum is itchy we don’t scratch it with toys.
6. Point your penis down and don’t pee on the floor.
7. Don’t force fart at the table, you need to apologize for being rude.
8. Don’t chew on your toe.
9. Get your finger out of the dog’s butt.
10. Can you not pee on my floor?
11. Please don’t eat that.
12. Don’t lick the window.
13. Put your clothes back on.
14. No, you go back to the bathroom and wipe again.
15. Don’t use the floor to check if you still have poop on your bum.
16. We don’t state out loud who in the room has a penis and who has a vagina.
17. We wash our faces first and then our bums.
18. You seriously let him eat that?
19. When you are throwing (insert object), and please don’t aim for my head.
20. You need to remember to flush the toilet. I am tired of using the bathroom and finding a sticky fermenting poop waiting for me.
21. It is great that you have you put your shirt on, but your ass is going to get cold on the way to school if you don’t put some underwear and pants on.
22. No you can’t eat cardboard. Did you seriously just ask why you can’t eat that?
23. Unless you need to go to the bathroom we don’t need to discuss poop.
24. What’s in your mouth now?
25. You don’t need that much toilet paper your penis is the size of my pinky-finger.
26. Don’t put the whole roll of toilet paper in the toilet.
27. You’re eating out of the garbage can now? That’s great!
28. We don’t sit on people’s faces? Why? Because you might hurt their nose.
29. No you can’t put your Popsicle in your pocket to eat later.
30. Doesn’t use your sock to wipe that off the floor especially when you are still wearing it.
31. And that is why we don’t walk with things covering our eyes.
32. Don’t chew your shoe.
33. Don’t eat things off the bottom of your shoe. How did that taste?
34. Get your finger out of MY nose, your fingernails are sharp.

The list could go on. Do you have any “That’s not something I ever thought I’d say” moments you can share?

By Shari Marshall – April 24, 2017