Coffee Blog

My coffee has no flavour

If we were having coffee I would share with you that my coffee has been without scent or flavour the last little while but I still reach for my mug and try to find comfort in the warmth it attempts to pump into me with every sip. My mother past early last week; it appears that she had been sick and hiding it until it couldn’t be hid anymore. In the aftermath of her passing I find myself struggling with what I realize was a personal choice to keep her illness secret. I struggle because I would have loved to be able to support her through what I am sure must have beyond difficult to navigate through alone. I struggle because I hope that she didn’t feel alone. I struggle because I can’t understand her choice. I struggle because I have been left making decisions for her that she might have been able to make on her own before she departed this world for the next part of her journey.

I have experienced the death of loved ones throughout my life including being part of the hard decisions that come as life slowly leaves a loved one’s body. I have never had to make those decisions solo. I had never experienced the loss of a loved one with the burden of responsibility that come when you are the one to deal with the earthly things. There is so much administrative and technical things that I haven’t been able to true process that my mother is gone. I haven’t had a chance to sit with my emotions and let them just exist. On top of all that there is death during COVID-19.

Let me say first that one of the things that terrified me with COVID was people being alone when they died, about families not being able to provide the love and support that they needed to or wanted to without restrictions, about closure from funerals or celebrations of life not being a reality. And no, I don’t want to stand at the hospital window and watch anybody die because the very thought feels like an execution in a death penalty scenario. I suppose I should be thankful that it was an option to get at least that close but….

Furthermore, a drive by funeral? Really, that’s a thing? The answer is yes during COVID that is a thing! This was another personal choice but for me it wasn’t one that I felt honoured my mother’s memory. Let’s talk celebrations of life – not recommended during COVID. However, if you decide to not follow the recommendation then you can have a gathering of 10 people but that 10 has to include any service providers required for the celebration (clergy, organist and so on) so that the number of loved ones gets smaller and smaller. How can I say to another person, hey I appreciate that you cared for my mother and want to share grief with me but I can only have 10 people and you don’t make the cut!???

The whole situation is hateful.

My heart went out to all those people who found themselves in this situation before I was personally experiencing it and now it goes out 100 times over!

I have decided that I am going to create an online celebration of my mother’s life. It is going to include things that we traditional would expect at a formal service: pictures, memories, stories, what I would personally have shared with people present, music… I think that creating it will also help me work through some of my own emotions and I hope it will help other’s grieving for my mother. I am slowly creating it now as time permits. That said I will be a little absent from my usual presence here at Brewing Coffee, Twisting Words & Breaking Pencils as I working on The Spirit Lives On.

If we were having coffee I would thank you for listening to me and I would tell you how much I appreciate your support.

If we were having coffee I would take the time to listen to your week and any of the challenges and adventures that you might want to share.

By Shari Marshall – 2020

Weekend Coffee Share is hosted by Eclectic Alli. I hope you have a chance to join us for a virtual cup: here.

21 thoughts on “My coffee has no flavour

  1. Shari, my deepest condolences. This is a very trying time made more so by the passing of a loved family member.
    Have you considered a Zoom-style “meeting” of all who wanted to pay their respects to your mother being able to give their own eulogy? One favorite memory per person outside of yourself and other family members?
    I feel for you.

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    1. Thank you Stu. No I hadn’t thought of zoom; I am not really very good with technology to be honest. I have a few people send me stories to including on a blog like setting that I am creating. For me, the memory sharing is a very comforting part of grieving.

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  2. Oh Shari — I know you well enough that any post from you that is titled and starts with your coffee being tasteless on its own foretold something painful. It was a “I should have stopped there” kind of pain.
    I’m so sorry for you and your family. We too lost our mom earlier than we should have and she too decided to shutout the world from something she could not hide but was bound and determined to shield as many as possible from the devastating impact of her cancer.
    Like our mom, I’ll bet she was hugely proud of you, your family and what you’ve done with your life. I point this out only to remind you that you are a living work of honor to her as your mom. Your strength and wisdom, I’m betting, partially came from the same woman who brought you into the world, probably modeled uncommon strength herself and here you are now,honoring her memory by making this world a better and safer place for the rest of us.
    Some hard work is ahead of you and you don’t need any wisdom from someone so far displaced from your situation, but I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. Know that if there were words that I knew would lighten your burden, I would be hesitant to use them for fear of diminishing the significance of her passing.
    May you find comfort and strength in the days that follow.

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  3. Oh Shari, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you and your family, and your search for the right decision when the world is offering us precious few options. I love your idea of sharing your memories of your mother’s life. A loving tribute is always appropriate. If we were having coffee, I would give you a big hug. {{{💕💗💕}}}

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    1. I have always found that the sharing of memories when a loved one passed is therapeutic. As people get warmed up to the roll of sharing and the funnier memories come it the laughing and remembering feels very nice.

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  4. I am very sorry. Losing a mother is bad enough, but this is awful. I had a close friend who didn’t tell anyone he was sick until he was hospitalized for the last time. Not easy. And then everything else you have to deal with. I hope you have a little time to stop for a minute and take a deep breath. I think the online celebration/memorial is a great idea.

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  5. There are so many reasons your loss is even harder than it might have been. Your mother didn’t tell you she was sick and now COVID. Organising all this on your own is hard as well but maybe it will strengthen you as a person. If others make comments and tell stories about your mother’s life maybe it could be all put into a book of her life. Maybe you could write her story so it’s not forgotten. I’m doing that 23 years after my mother’s death!

    Most of all I extend my deepest sympathy at a time when everything seems to be piling up on top of you. Get some freshly roasted coffee beans, put on the machine, slow down and enjoy the flavour.

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  6. So sorry for your devastating loss. A celebration of her life is in order for all who have known and loved her. Peace to you and your family.

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  7. My deepest condolences on your loss, no words can fill the emptiness and my heart goes out to you and your family. Try to stay strong, stop and breath and take one day at a time. I lost both my parents 13 years ago, time will heal wounds but it does take time and know you have all of our support. ❤️❤️❤️

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  8. I’m so sorry for your loss Shari. Illness and deaths of loved ones are the hardest thing we face. I lost my mother at an early age. I’m very sorry you have to go through this at this trying time. Your choice of celebration for your mother is going to be the right one, trust your heart in this. ❤

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